Grades as a Shield
I suspect it all began at a young age when I effortlessly earned good grades in every subject at school. I often didn’t need to prepare for tests or bother with a fundamental understanding of the concepts I learned. I could easily spot patterns, replicate them on exams, and forget about them the next day. My goal was simple: pass the tests so no one would trouble me with complaints.
Yet, I didn’t feel smart. I remember dreading hearing my surname aloud, as it meant teachers would question me, find the gaps in my knowledge, and judge me in front of the class. I viewed every mistake as proof of my subpar intelligence. Every step I took felt like navigating a minefield, as I put conscious effort into hiding my shortcomings.
The Cycle of Predictable Outcomes
Each difficult decision I faced felt like carrying a heavy bag of sand on my back – a weight I desperately wanted to shake off but couldn’t. To avoid mistakes, I became obsessed with gathering data and analyzing endlessly. While my cumbersome decision process brought predictable results, these outcomes only confirmed what I already anticipated, leaving me bored and unmotivated. In the end, nothing was worth pursuing.
When the time came to pick my education path, my heart leaned toward acting or psychology. I was eager to know more about the mind – especially my own. But I didn’t pursue it. I grew up believing that only hard work and high-salary jobs could bring security and fulfillment. So, I chose a career that promised financial safety and independence. If my daily adult life was going to be mundane, at least I could go to sleep without worrying about my bank account. It seemed obvious.
Self-Help Trap
I can’t say that I felt I had strong people skills. Even though I was surrounded by friends and could easily strike up a conversation with new people, I still felt disconnected from others. Parties and long conversations drained my energy to zero. I thought I was an introvert or simply shy. My rational mind whispered to me that I was broken and that I had to fix myself.
I turned to self-help literature, searching for answers. I hoped to find a magic algorithm for human relationships – something I had never been taught. The advice I read told me how to act to be “better”. I learned methods for how I should behave or speak to be perceived as more successful and confident than I truly felt. I puffed up my posture, chose my words carefully, and suppressed my spontaneity, clinging to a fragile new self-image which felt like wearing a cement robe.
Never Enough
Despite my efforts to build confidence through self-help, I felt increasingly alienated from others – and worse, from myself. The whole purpose of the change – to be more connected – was failing miserably.
Paradoxically, others noticed leadership potential in me that I struggled to see in myself. I was promoted to leadership positions, eventually managing large engineering teams. Though I lacked confidence in my abilities, my genuine sense of responsibility for my team’s growth and happiness kept me going. Yet, no matter how much I achieved, I couldn’t silence my persistent feelings of incompetence.
Challenge the Status Quo
I was lucky to have an amazing life on paper: a fulfilling career, great friends, and exciting travels. I ticked off bucket-list items one by one. I remember sitting on Freedom Beach in Phuket, admiring a jacquard crab drying on a rock next to me. And I felt nothing. How could I, surrounded by glittering turquoise waters of the Indian Ocean and golden sand passing through my toes, feel so empty? Is that all life has to offer me?
I didn’t know it back then, but I needed a break. I kept going, living the same life, saving for my own apartment. But two years ago, I asked myself: What will owning an apartment bring me in the long run? My answer? Memories of hassles with the renovation crew. That was when I finally decided to take a career break.
Stepping into unknown
I had read many stories about people on career breaks or after retirement deciding to make their dreams come true and travel the world. For me, that would have meant repeating the same familiar thought patterns – only in new, more obscure places. I suspected my mind would come up with solutions that would lead me right back to the same mental space I was already in. It would be ALL the same. I wanted to break the cycle.
I decided not to follow any particular plan but to let my intuition guide me. Instead of making choices that would reinforce my image of myself, I ventured into unfamiliar territory. I started to explore activities that were not me.
My first breakthrough came when I participated in acting workshops that focused on improvisation and the natural expression of emotions hidden in the body and voice. My mind shattered when I was asked to sing. After years of being judged as a rhythmless person with a lifeless voice, it felt like a monumental task. I needed to challenge my long-held notion that expressing emotions was a sign of weakness. In the acting classes, it was the opposite – it was desired. Expressing emotions brought the roles I played to life.
But the most uncomfortable moment was the “Idiot Laboratory”. In a dark classroom, we were told to behave as if we were mad – not to act like it, but to truly let our bodies and voices follow our impulses without any judgment. I finally realized how much of my energy had been spent suppressing what I once perceived as unacceptable. This workshop opened a door to self-expression I didn’t know I needed.
One workshop inspired me to take another. After half a year I even ended up in a contemporary dance and performance art festival in Berlin practicing among professional dancers.
Embodied experiences
Movement-based physical training deepened my relationship with my body in ways I had never imagined. Don’t get me wrong – I was always into sports. But I didn’t understand the language my body spoke. My mind disregarded it, treating it as little more than a servant.
Yet, when I began to observe my body consciously, I noticed the pain, pleasure, and muscle tension not only during training but also in daily life. By embodying myself, my life became multidimensional – physical sensations, emotions, and thoughts – all working together to shape my unique experiences. It felt like enlightenment when I realized that the present moment is meant to be experienced and savored, not merely judged through the narrow lens of expectations my mind had constructed.
I’ve shifted my outlook on life from a struggle to a fun and enjoyable exploration of my body, emotions, mind, and surroundings. Now, I’m more open to following my curiosity, purposefully making mistakes, and breaking standards to uncover the meaning they hold for me. I’ve come to see the difference between merely understanding – building mental models of reality – and truly knowing, which arises from challenging those models through embodied experiences.
Rediscovering Kindness and Trust
The kindness and emotional support of those I met along the way helped me through the most challenging moments. They welcomed me, embraced my mistakes, and showed me how far I had already come. Their commitment to creating a stress-free, safe environment gave me the courage to express my vulnerability, helping me find hope in myself and trust in others to guide me.
One moment I remember vividly to this day. Before a particularly challenging workshop activity, a teacher came up to me and asked, “Do you want a hug?” I hesitated – I didn’t think I needed it. After all, I’m a grown man. But I accepted the offer, despite my swirling thoughts. That simple gesture of support and warmth, offered by a complete stranger, gave me a sense of trust in myself that I had never experienced before.
My beliefs about myself and others melted away, like ice cubes under the sun. I felt lost. For more than three decades, I had been surrounded by people who were more or less similar to me. They felt predictable. I thought I could visualize their behavior, understand their sentiments, and anticipate their motivations. But now, in this completely different environment, I met people whose stories, needs, sensitivities, and perspectives were utterly alien to me. It dawned on me that I had been living in the drama of my own impressions of others, not in the truth.
Life Beyond Rationality
Two years ago, I thought I had it all figured out. According to conventional measures of success, I should have been happy. My life was comfortable; I had achieved my personal and professional goals with ease. I considered myself rational and liberated from the influence of conformism and consumerism.
Little did I know that while I may have been rational, I was confined within the prison of my own mind. I failed to notice the deeply ingrained beliefs about the world I was born into. I grew up nurturing unrealistic expectations for myself and the world around me. At the same time, I surrendered my agency by accepting widely accepted “musts”, “shoulds”, and “meant-to-bes”.
By immersing myself in a new environment, my mental patterns were forced to break to absorb new stimuli. Shifting my focus to the sensations of my body helped me realize that I am more than my thoughts. I began treating my thoughts not as my identity but as tools I could analyze and reshape.
Breaking free from the confines of rationality allowed me to discover the richness of embodied experiences, where curiosity and vulnerability replaced predictability and control. This journey transformed not just how I live, but how I connect with myself and others.
Now, I’m integrating that experience into my professional and private life. For far too long, the gap between what I embodied and the expectations of who I “should” be burned me out. My mission now is to spread kindness and create supportive environments where people feel safe to be vulnerable and grow.
Some time ago, I wished there were shortcuts to the wisdom I’ve gained. But now, I think that’s part of the fun. For me, life and wisdom are meant to be experienced, not endlessly deliberated upon. Maybe I’m not perfect, but I’m less imperfect – and that’s enough.
This is my journey. How is yours?
PS:
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